Roller coaster 

“H.I.”

I hate I gave so much 

I hate I’m questioning trust all the while I lust for him like he’s the last thing on earth 

I yearn for him as if he validates my worth 

In every way. With every second, and every day that passes 

He’s all that I can imagine, for him I’m nothing like the molasses 

That I pour, for anyone else who knocks at my door

Because it’s not him. That’s not him bringing me to my knees once more 

How am I here, how am I here begging for the love I know I deserve 

Why him? Why do I allow him to demolish every single nerve 

And every single feeling and every single reason 

Why leaving him would clearly be best considering the season

Of abuse, the season of falling in love & having no one to fall in love with you 

The season of waiting up knowing that he’ll never come through 

I hate I hope so much 

Working on my faith but I’ll hinder that growth for us 

Or for a dream, that so far seems will never come true

Spending days and nights seeing the future of me losing you 

A harsh reality maybe I need to accept and progress and stop feeding into this mess 

This big ass shit pile of mess that I created, that I even tolerated for the sake of procreation ?

You know I wanted to make you babies? Real life babies just so we could say we made it 

Now I hate it 

I hate I gave you so much. 

I hate that even if I moved on I’d still want it to be like us

I’m confused because I can’t tell if these are good or bad feels, because I fought, I stayed and fought for what I thought was always real

I never ever gave up on my end of the deal to be that down ass female to have you till the end 

Maybe I was wrong for thinking about the end to begin or maybe I hate myself 

I hate myself for allowing him to be my beginning and my end 

For trusting that he’d Become the only person, place or thing that I could depend 

I got comfortable and I waited to be pulled in by him, To be baited 

And he caught me.  

He caught me and he gutted and he cooked me, past done.

I hate that he was the one 

I hate that he was one and that I loved him and went from that to trusting and making love to him & making babies 

Goddamit I hate he makes me crazy

“Can’t…”

I don’t know how to do this 

This thing, called us

You mislead, I don’t trust 

I’ve run out of things to possibly say

I wanna leave, you want me to stay 

But only in the background, to watch you slip away 

You don’t know how to do this 

This thing, called try

I want you, and you want life 

You want options, and to explore

And I’m at home. Stuck begging you for more

But what I understand that no other ever will

Is that you have a different set of needs

And a different set of money that pays your bills

To keep you satisfied is a job in its own 

That no other woman will be able to do alone 

And no other man will ever understand 

Myself on a level that you can

He’ll never be able to reach the spots you touched 

To any other all that I will ever be is too much 

“Someone”

when a touch can change your world

you run away because, why?

why would you want to be that girl

who falls in love in the blink of an eye

but it’s not your fault, you know

you’ve always wanted to be attached

so, yes that touch, it shows

as more than just a hand on you back

from someone who clearly lacks

all that’s needed to be yours

but you don’t know that because maybe

he opens doors

and he pulls out the chairs

writes sweet letters, and takes care of “that”

well.

so well, that you allow him to be your someone

your someone you go to your girls about

that one who turns your eyes into a whales spout

and you cry, you scream, and you blow

every night when he decides he’s not coming home

but he’s your someone now, so let it go

cause remember he touched you

where no one knows,

so you allowed him to take you deep

where no one goes…

because his touch changed your world

you didn’t run away, why?

because you wanted to be that girl

who could say she had someone 

“Him”

him 
he is everything 

my nightmares and the sweetest dreams 

he might care and he might not 

he could stay, or we could stop 

my pain and pleasure 

my troubled lover 

he’ll be the reason my heart is severed 

then be the one to put it back together 

him

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