Table Read

why can’t I speak with so much to say
looking at you for you to only look away
pleading with you only wanting to be heard
but now I’m staring at this table, struggling to find the words
or maybe I have the words but I don’t know what they mean
or how to express them without making you mean
but to say that would cause you to burst at the seams
you get so angry when you think that I’m blaming

and that’s just…
I’ll just go back to staring

 you’re gorgeous you know
you, just everything about you is a complicated but smooth flow
such a beautiful soul

consider myself lucky to call you mines…
but, wait.
there’s that word that’s played heavy on my mind…
MINES
are you? mines?  mines to me?
even thinking about us now, having to beg you to even be
here, with me. loving me, all over me, between OUR sheets
something that was mines would never question my lead
but, see
I don’t want you to be my follower, that came out wrong
but what I mean is something that’s mines, I know will always come home
and it’s just that… sometimes, most of the time you don’t

asking you is just a sure way to be left alone
with my theories downplayed to me driving you crazy
you failing to realize that all you do is make me crazy, emotional and hazy
having feelings, feeling like you played me…
damn, this table looks amazing

I used to trust you
I’m not going to look up because I know you
and that face of disgust, but it doesn’t matter
cause remember, you agreed
I’m expressing me. Thought maybe it would help me breathe
But your eyes are on my soul, you just…
Forget it, I’ll go on

Anyway, I used to trust you
But that was before her
Her was over two years ago but I never understood
What she had, what I didn’t, what made her so good
And this word, her, I would’ve let go of had you done it first
Had you forgotten about her and kept my heart out of that hearse…

and I’m looking at you now
staring into your beautiful eyes
looking for some type of remorse yet I’m met with only despise
still I stare straight at you
searching for the one who loved me through and through
who loved me even when I didn’t know how to love you
yet this table is the only comfort I can find sitting here with you 

but you forget I loved you anyway
my love filled with mistakes but I never gave my love away
maybe that dug this shallow grave that we’ve been stuck in
still my love shielded us when danger would rush in
protected you from your own lies
the most damage I did was believing you
allowing you to think that your betrayals were truths
look at me, I’m still looking at you!

the more I sit here at this table
staring between it and your eyes
the words just don’t come the way I want
I want to be peaceful and understanding
I want to give you what you want but that’s just it
If you asked for shit, I’d paint it gold for you and you’d laugh at it
you’d demean, ignore and move on from it
and I’d still be there trying to make my shit pleasing
because that’s what I’m supposed to do right? Be pleasing?
not give you any reasons to leave
not question you when you find those reasons anyway
just sit, trust, and believe

staring at this table again…
you remember when we got this table?
first home, just married, the goal was to break this table in
literally break it in, sweat it out
we couldn’t wait to get home so the table and I could be loud
you loved me then
I thanked this table for being our safe haven then
kissing, praying, loving all done on this table
and now you can’t even look me in my eyes to tell me you still love me
at this table
you can’t even willingly participate in this conversation
at this table
this table tells me you left a long time ago

and so now
you’re allowing me to lose you
you don’t have any fight left in you for me
maybe it’s selfish but I want you to hurt for me
hurt for me as hard as I prayed you wouldn’t leave
but between looking at you and this table I know that will never be

One thought on “Table Read

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