For 7 years I dated a guy I was sure I was going to marry. Honestly, we were in talks about it in the last days of our relationship. Could that have been where things went wrong? Maybe. Who knows. I was never given an explanation. No goodbye, no arguments. I was “ghosted” in my generations terms. That was 6 months ago.
In the beginning, I would call and call and send a few texts, then call again. I even asked family had they heard from him. A month in, once I realized I was being ignored, I left it alone. Maybe a week after accepting that it was over, he popped up with another girlfriend or “WCW”. And at that point, he was blocked on every platform. He was now, no longer apart of my life. We had broken up many times before but this felt final. This time, I knew that this was it. I believe, it was at that moment that I literally felt my heart shatter for the first time.
Now you may be asking, how did I not see the signs and all that I can say is that from my point of view, there were no signs. I recall the last conversation we had ending in “I miss you.” I didn’t think that he was unhappy. It never crossed my mind until after he had left. But, this post isn’t about how I could have done anything to have kept another human being from making a decision, it’s about coming to terms with his choice and making my OWN decision to move on.
Much easier said than done.
Originally, I was angry. He was in a city two hours away and I wanted to drive there and do the most damage possible to his car, to him, whatever I could get my hands on. Why? Because he had done the most damage possible to me and the only way I felt I could even the score was to make him hurt as bad as I was hurting. Isn’t that always our first resort? Revenge. He was fucked up, so now I had to do the same. One of my favorite quotes is “hurt people, hurt people”. I was distraught and all these things that I wanted him to feel too. Even in his absence, I was allowing him to have full control. But what I never took into consideration is that maybe he was hurting and maybe his pain led him to do what he did. Before I knew it, the phrase justifying my anger was also making more sense of his departure. These thoughts and conversations started the process of forgiving.
Again, MUCH easier said than done.
Forgiveness is tricky. For a long, a very long time, I thought that in order to forgive anyone I needed a reason. I thought that I needed an explanation and then I could choose whether or not to forgive and forget based on that. So towards the start of my new journey, I would find myself stalling on what “parts” to forgive. For example, I could forgive some but not all. But that’s all wrong. See, in this situation I decided to take back my power. Hear me out. When I say take back my power, I don’t mean making him look weak or less of a person. It had nothing to do with him at all. It was about me not wanting to carry that weight. I could have sat around and made every excuse in the book about how it wasn’t fair, or how he owed me an explanation, but then I would be choosing misery and bitterness over happiness. I would have turned bitter waiting on my healing to come from someone else who had already moved on. Years could have gone by and I’d still be placing the blame on him for me not being ok. With me taking back my power, it was ME deciding to be ok. It was me deciding to take control of my happiness, my sadness, all of it. I would feel and react on my terms.
Once I figured out that part, the rest fell into place. What I learned most is that taking accountability for YOU is a must! Yes, I may have been wronged but am I going to hold on to that forever or take my L as a lesson learned and move on. I still have my days, no one is perfect. But if I can help anyone out, I would say to forgive. You don’t have to always forget, but please for your own sake, forgive. It’ll be the best decision you make I promise.
Peace and love guys, til next time.