Dealing with Miscarriage: An Open Letter

I found out I was pregnant on December 2nd, 2016. It wasn’t planned. I wasn’t in a good situation, at all. And I went back and forth for a long time about what I would do. I didn’t believe in abortion but somehow I felt it was my only choice. The few people who knew I was pregnant, including the father, didn’t know I was having these thoughts and going back and forth. To everyone else, I was going to have a baby on or around August 3rd and that was that.

In all reality, even though I wanted my baby, I had an abortion scheduled for January 28th. And on January 24th I started bleeding. The process of my miscarriage was long and excruciating. I had to go through labor to dispel the fetus. At home with just my best friend by my side.

After everything happened, I couldn’t help but feel this tremendous amount of guilt because I had scheduled something I never believed in to get rid of something I always wanted, and then it was taken away. For someone who has never been in my shoes, I could never expect you to understand. My heart hurt for a long time and til this day still does. I wrote this in tears days after and I’ve held on to it in my phone since. I go back and read it often. And now I’m releasing it to be read by you all.

I know with this will come judgement. I may even lose people but it’s my truth and apart of my journey. Thanks for reading.

January 28th, 2017

I don’t know where you are. I’m not sure where you were before you chose me. But I just want to tell you I’m sorry… You weren’t conceived out of love or at least I don’t think so. Your life would have been really hard had you stayed. But you would’ve had me so we maybe could have made it. I know I was going to send you back. I want you to know that I felt like it was for the best. I tried for you not realizing all that I needed. I tried for you not realizing the situation. But maybe you and God had already had that conversation, and maybe that’s why you decided to leave me. I loved you. I really did. I loved you with every fiber of my being and even though you were so small I know you loved me too. I look at you as a lesson that I needed. I needed to experience you and experience losing you. You made me stronger. You made me want to do better for your future sister or brother. I want you to know that regardless of all that went on that I wanted you. I wanted you so bad. I wanted you to be here with me and be my best friend because I felt so alone. But I know that you’re still with me somehow. I know you’re probably with God smiling and laughing. I still haven’t forgiven myself but I know I will one day. I hope that you can forgive me. I hope that you can forgive me for conceiving you out of selfishness. Planning to send you away out of selfishness. I just don’t want you to be upset with me, ok? I didn’t know any better. I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. I thought it would be cool. But baby listen, Mommy can’t write anymore tonight I’m getting too upset. But I said all that to say that I love you. I loved you. I wanted you. And I’m sorry. I hope that you can forgive me. I’m working on forgiving myself. Goodnight.

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