grieving the loss of me

months go by and i

seem okay, i can do this

til someone recognizes versions of me

and it’s “who’s this?”

what i mean is,

i ‘m ruthless and cold

sheltered but still overly exposed

afraid to give anything my time

for too long, because nothing stays

and i ‘m okay, this way

am I really?

maybe it’s just a feeling

that’ll fade when,

motivation comes back from its stay

when chaos breaks away

from my brain, i ‘m not the same

taking losses back to back

blaming everyone for their lacks

but what was mine?

not even am i good enough

but was i too tough?

did they know i was lying?

it wasn’t often, just

a couple of times

guess it took those couple of limes

for my person to walk away

grieving the loss of my way

never noticed but it always came

still i found ways to complain

to whomever would hear

til they removed their ears

now all that knows the truth are my tears

this may take… years

so what?

am I the bad guy now?

even though everyone else left, how?

am I supposed to take responsibility

for the weakness i had surrounding me

is this accountability?

or is it selfish reasoning…

this is draining me

i ‘m good at blocking it out

not letting it control me

i ‘ll just go back to the old me

but what does that solve?

nights spent venting to walls

crying alone, dodging every soul

that means me some good

i don’t deserve it, so why even should

i allow to into an empty vessel

i have nothing left for anyone or myself

but there has to be a way to press reset

there has to be a way to get through this process

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