grieving the loss of me
months go by and i
seem okay, i can do this
til someone recognizes versions of me
and it’s “who’s this?”
what i mean is,
i ‘m ruthless and cold
sheltered but still overly exposed
afraid to give anything my time
for too long, because nothing stays
and i ‘m okay, this way
am I really?
maybe it’s just a feeling
that’ll fade when,
motivation comes back from its stay
when chaos breaks away
from my brain, i ‘m not the same
taking losses back to back
blaming everyone for their lacks
but what was mine?
not even am i good enough
but was i too tough?
did they know i was lying?
it wasn’t often, just
a couple of times
guess it took those couple of limes
for my person to walk away
grieving the loss of my way
never noticed but it always came
still i found ways to complain
to whomever would hear
til they removed their ears
now all that knows the truth are my tears
this may take… years
am I the bad guy now?
even though everyone else left, how?
am I supposed to take responsibility
for the weakness i had surrounding me
is this accountability?
or is it selfish reasoning…
this is draining me
i ‘m good at blocking it out
not letting it control me
i ‘ll just go back to the old me
but what does that solve?
nights spent venting to walls
crying alone, dodging every soul
that means me some good
i don’t deserve it, so why even should
i allow to into an empty vessel
i have nothing left for anyone or myself
but there has to be a way to press reset
there has to be a way to get through this process